Alzheimer's

Our conversation restarted again and again. Each time was new to them. And each time, her brilliance quietly appeared.

“How old was Dad when he got Alzheimer’s?” “Sixty-two.” “Good,” he said. “I’m sixty-three.”

My mom was a woman of many words, and my dad was a man of few.

When my father, who had Alzheimer’s, came home without my three-year-old son, we lived twenty minutes of terror—and learned the hard truth about dementia and driving.

When my brother calls, his aphasia makes speaking hard—but we still talk. Naming dementia, laughing together, and saying the hard things keeps us connected while we still can.

When my brother’s Alzheimer’s took away our ability to talk and connect, I lost access to him—not because of distance or choice, but because of disease. It is a different kind of grief.

“I have a problem,” my sister would say, her voice tight with worry. “What’s your problem?” I’d ask. “I have von Willebrand.”

In 1990, my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. We lived together for years, yet we never talked about what the diagnosis meant to him. Looking back, the silence around his illness is what I grieve most.

We share the same genes, the same history, and many of the same habits. The outcomes, however, are not shared—and there’s no way to know which side of the line you’ll land on.

My younger brother just turned 60 and has been living with Alzheimer’s for several years. Before the disease, he was a successful, award-winning chef.

My brother-in-law has taped signs and reminders all over the house to help my sister be as independent as possible.

Six weeks before my father died of Alzheimer’s, I held him while a nurse moved his mattress to the floor so he wouldn’t be hurt when he fell. He was seventy-two and suddenly weightless in my arms, the man who once held me now being held by me. I knew even then that those few seconds would stay with me forever—a quiet reversal of time, love, and care that does not fade.

I ran into the living room, thinking something had gone terribly wrong, and found her frantically pushing buttons on her phone while a rap song blared. I turned off the music and asked what she’d asked her phone to do.